Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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