I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this must be what syphilis tastes like
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Houston, we have a squirter
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
