Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We need to get me chipped asap
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize