Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
