i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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