I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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