Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
