the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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