Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
