I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
