Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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