My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
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