his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
