you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
