So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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