dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize