She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
In America we eat man semen.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
