you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
