the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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