i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
