I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
