You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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