Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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