Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
