she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
