you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
