Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
