just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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