I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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