i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she looked like the before picture.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
