You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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