If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
