A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
lets start a swedish sibling band together
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
