When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
