my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
