I'm laying in your front yard are you home
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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