You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
