Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
