omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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