I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
