Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
