I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
