hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
