My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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