i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
