By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
