Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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