How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
