Just fell off a train. Bad.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
