I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
