If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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