We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
