my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
