Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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