Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
