Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
