Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
